The NotThatDaveMatthews Sleep Plan

We've read the Dr Sears Sleep Book. We've read the No Cry Solution. We've read The Mother Of All Sleep Books. We've read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. We paid for and achieved marginal success with what basically was The Chair Method variation of the Partial Extinction method. We've read The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Sleep Problems and we're about to try the Pick up / Put Down Method. If none of that pans out we're going to try the NotThatDaveMatthews Baawk Like A Chicken Sleep Plantm.

It works like this:

• When you put your child down and they start wailing, start bawwking like a chicken. Match your volume level to theirs.
  
• For particularly loud wailing, add the arm movements. For uncontrollable screeching, actually sing the Chicken Dance and do the actions.
• Most likely, they will be so confused by this action that they will forget why they were crying. At the very least they should pause.
  
• As they ramp down, ramp down your volume as well, fading to a chickadee 'peep'. Stick in a quiet "buck buck" at the instant they look like they're about to ramp up again.
  
• If they start again, match your Chicken Baawwking to their volume level as they ramp back up.
• After 10 repetitions, get a glass of water. It takes a lot out of a person to baawwk like a chicken for that long (the chickens make it look so easy...)
• After 20 repetitions, get a glass of scotch. Obviously you need a little more pizzazz in your Chicken Baawwking.
• Once you have the sleep association well implanted, a few well placed buck-buck's will suffice for nighttime sleeping *and* for naps.
• Over time you'll find your child will fall asleep when driving by a KFC or in the cart when going down the egg aisle at the supermarket.

This is as yet only tested on a small scale but I'm confident enough that it will work to start a full-blown book. A few charts, a couple quotes from some experts and trash talk all the other sleep book writers, $29.95, and presto, coming to a Chapters near you.